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T.O. plans to punt primate to regain lost spotlight

Ditka Parcells | Crapiss Press | Distorter | October 1st, 2007

Terrell Owens was once the resident bad boy of the NFL, who made headlines seemingly everyday with his controversial nature. But the media spotlight has eluded T.O. as of late, as a new breed of pigskin rebels has exhibited far more outlandish behaviour.

Just take a look at the rap sheet of some former/current NFL stars:

Michael Vick - The Atlanta Falcons quarterback recently plead guilty to charges involving dog fighting and gambling. He may also have executed a few dogs for good measure.

Adam “Pacman” Jones - This cornerback for the Tennessee Titans was suspended for the entire 2007 season after being involved in a shooting at a strip club, the third time he has faced charges for incidents at nightclubs in less than two years.

O.J. Simpson - This former running back recently formed his own gun-toting posse to reclaim some stolen memorabilia. He now faces charges including conspiracy to commit kidnapping and assault with a deadly weapon.

Meanwhile, Terrell Owens has quietly had a productive season for the undefeated Dallas Cowboys, and may reach the Super Bowl this January. That's not good enough for T.O., who has big plans to reclaim his spot as the centre of the football universe.

At some point during the Cowboys' Thanksgiving game against the Jets, Owens will punt a baby chimpanzee.

“This is incredible news”, proclaimed football analyst Brock Nugent. “T.O. has returned a few punts in his career, but for him to actually kick one himself, that's quite a story. That would make the second or third page of some sports sections. But for him to punt a baby chimp, instead of a football, that's front page material!”

While Owens' plans have drawn the ire of certain groups such as PETA, several of the biggest names in the NFL have come to his defense.

“He's got to do this — doing an elaborate end zone dance, or showing up late for practice just isn't going to cut it this time” explained Randy Moss. “He's competing with dangerous criminals, so punting an adorable chimp is really the only way he can save his career. Anything less than 60 yards would be disastrous.”

In preparation for the historic punt, T.O. has been practicing extensively with NFL punting legend Ray Guy, as well as legendary zookeeper “Jungle” Jack Hanna.

“This isn't just going to help Terrell, this will be great exposure for this remarkable young primate” said Hanna. “I think we could get two MVPs out of this — a most valuable player award for T.O. and a most vertical primate award for this little chimp. I just hope he survives so he can accept the award in person”.

Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
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