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We are all losers this provincial election

Nathan Swinn | Interrobang | Opinion | October 8th, 2007

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This week we look at The Losers of Election '07.

1. People who don't vote. You are losers. Completely and utterly. I can't stress this strongly enough. If you don't vote you have no right to complain about lying politicians and useless government hacks. It takes longer to grab a double double from Timmies than it does to vote. You can legally skip school or duck out of work to vote. Take all day if you want. Afterwards, go to a bar and talk down to the losers who didn't vote and feel good about yourself.

2. People who vote. Because, under our current electoral system your vote is worthless unless you vote for the winner. I have no idea if the Mixed Member Proportional (MMP; take five minutes, look it up) referendum will produce the required 60 per cent of voter support. I suspect it won't. I voted in favour of change, if for no other reason than I enjoy chaos and I need more shit to write about. I had an interesting conversation with the MMP rep in Forwell Hall last week. His ability to communicate the non-partisan nature of the adventure appealed to me. So, despite many unresolved questions, I voted for the god damned MMP proposal in the advance poll. I imagine I voted in vain, just like I voted for the local candidate who appealed to me most, who will never, ever, get to Queen's Park under our current system.

3. John Tory. Poor bastard, almost surely a loser. He actually tried to create public debate on an issue that's been hanging over Ontario for a long time. The old rule of not bringing religion and politics into any conversation, especially with the entire province during a campaign, rings true. Tory has, according to the poly pros and poll nerds, lost a lot of support for his original policy of equal public funding for religious schools. Backtracking late in the election hasn't helped his cause or the issue itself. If Catholics get money for their schools, why not Jews, or Muslims, or Sikhs, or Zoroastrians? (There's been a rumour that Rastafarians would have had access to academic ganja under Tory's proposed system. The cops would've been forced to stop busting Brampton grow-ops in that case, and Drug War funding would have gone down. No more grow-ops, helis, or hydraulic door rams, and fuck, no more free weed.)

Tory, shame on you for bringing up such a controversial subject. We're all better off when political leaders stick to slamming one another's taxation plans and endorsing multi-cultural green energy initiatives.

4. The Liberal Party. A nun moonlighting as a stripper would have to work hard to break more solemn promises than the Libs. Despite this, the Libs will likely be forming the government again. And again they will likely have a majority of seats to implement whatever it is that Liberal governments implement. There will be no electoral punishment for the Liberals. They will continue to steer a course their PR department dictates. Run minorities in key ridings, but don't listen to the concerns of those groups. Push women candidates into ridings that will never go Liberal. Ensure that the Premier hides both his double chin and double standards with a big helping of double speak. Win, no matter what it takes. I'm sure there are decent people working long hours for the party and they're the real losers here. The party faithful. I feel for them, only because I have to live in the same province.

5. Green Party candidates. Imagine having to campaign by bicycle. If you don't get run over by a soccer Mom in an SUV, you get blown off the road by transport, or the cops tell you to get off the fucking sidewalk and back onto the street before they drive away in their air conditioned publicly funded rolling SWAT machines. Bicycles are for the beach beat, sucker.

6. The NDP. Nice policies, sincere sounding candidates and an intelligent leader, equals no votes. Losers. Their supporters undermine the party. If you've ever casually chatted with die hard NDPersons you will understand what I mean. No one enjoys being informed their views on everything are completely wrong, and for some strange reason Ontarians love bringing up The Rae Days as proof the NDP is hopeless. Remember which parties and politicians came before and after Rae's NDP? Do we hold the Libs and Cons equally accountable?

The list is a lot longer, of course, but I only have so much space. Next week The Winners of Election ‘07.
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