College puts kibosh on dancing
It seems as though not a weekend goes by where parties involving FUNshawe students have been making headlines due to the violence that has been erupting.
Police sponsored programs, and simply asking students to curb this behaviour has not worked, so FUNshawe's administration has taken drastic measures, employing the services of strict disciplinarian the Reverend Shaw Moore to maintain law and order.
Students were shocked earlier this week when they were informed of the Reverend's first order of business — the immediate banning of rock and roll, and dancing at FUNshawe.
“Our Lord is testing us,” proclaimed the Reverend at an introductory press conference. “For the crimes, most of which are taking place on Fleming Drive, that plague the big cities of this country. If he wasn't testing us, how would you account for the proliferation these days, of this obscene rock and roll music, and the gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality that is clear to see in the dancing of our dear FUNshawe students?“
After the press conference, Reverend Moore attended an album burning event, where hundreds of Kenny Loggins and John Cougar Mellancamp LPs were torched.
In response to the new rules that have been implemented, the FUNshawe Student Union has had to modify their slew of nightly events. The Monday night Out Back Shack tradition “Party Like a Rockstar”, where students are encouraged to consume Rockstar energy drinks, and play the rock music themed game “Guitar Hero” has been removed from the schedule. In it's place the FSU will be hosting “Behave Like a Responsible Adult Mondays”, where students will play Hungry Hungry Hippos while drinking apple juice.
As would be expected, the vast majority of FUNshawe students are none too pleased about these new restrictions. One new Fanshawe student by the name of Devin Peameal has been particularly vocal.
Peameal, a Chicago native who recently transferred to FUNshawe, told reporters that he has no intention of paying heed to these new regulations. “Listen, I'm from a happenin' city, I can't play by these lame rules. I gotta cut loose, kick off my Sunday shoes” said Peameal.
Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Peameal has been linked romantically to the Reverend's daughter Ariel.
“I don't want her seeing that boy, and I darn sure don't want her dancing with him. When students dance...when students listen to rock music...when students party, they become irresponsible. FUNshawe made a good first move a few months back when they banished that infernal Dance Dance Revolution machine. But it didn't go far enough, and that is why I am now here”.
Time will tell if these new stipulations will have the desired effect. In the mean time, extra security will be on hand for the 40th Anniversary Party on October 27th to ensure that no spontaneous group dance numbers take place.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
Police sponsored programs, and simply asking students to curb this behaviour has not worked, so FUNshawe's administration has taken drastic measures, employing the services of strict disciplinarian the Reverend Shaw Moore to maintain law and order.
Students were shocked earlier this week when they were informed of the Reverend's first order of business — the immediate banning of rock and roll, and dancing at FUNshawe.
“Our Lord is testing us,” proclaimed the Reverend at an introductory press conference. “For the crimes, most of which are taking place on Fleming Drive, that plague the big cities of this country. If he wasn't testing us, how would you account for the proliferation these days, of this obscene rock and roll music, and the gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality that is clear to see in the dancing of our dear FUNshawe students?“
After the press conference, Reverend Moore attended an album burning event, where hundreds of Kenny Loggins and John Cougar Mellancamp LPs were torched.
In response to the new rules that have been implemented, the FUNshawe Student Union has had to modify their slew of nightly events. The Monday night Out Back Shack tradition “Party Like a Rockstar”, where students are encouraged to consume Rockstar energy drinks, and play the rock music themed game “Guitar Hero” has been removed from the schedule. In it's place the FSU will be hosting “Behave Like a Responsible Adult Mondays”, where students will play Hungry Hungry Hippos while drinking apple juice.
As would be expected, the vast majority of FUNshawe students are none too pleased about these new restrictions. One new Fanshawe student by the name of Devin Peameal has been particularly vocal.
Peameal, a Chicago native who recently transferred to FUNshawe, told reporters that he has no intention of paying heed to these new regulations. “Listen, I'm from a happenin' city, I can't play by these lame rules. I gotta cut loose, kick off my Sunday shoes” said Peameal.
Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Peameal has been linked romantically to the Reverend's daughter Ariel.
“I don't want her seeing that boy, and I darn sure don't want her dancing with him. When students dance...when students listen to rock music...when students party, they become irresponsible. FUNshawe made a good first move a few months back when they banished that infernal Dance Dance Revolution machine. But it didn't go far enough, and that is why I am now here”.
Time will tell if these new stipulations will have the desired effect. In the mean time, extra security will be on hand for the 40th Anniversary Party on October 27th to ensure that no spontaneous group dance numbers take place.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
