A hard pill(ow) to swallow
The stars of the Pillow Fight League are headed to Forwell Hall this Wednesday. A cast of characters such as Lynn Somnia and Eiffel Power will be bringing a unique form of sports and entertainment that features competition between strong, colourful and athletic women — and only women. That last point does not sit well with Fanshawe student Matt Ress.
“Just check out the PFL rulebook,” suggested Ress. “No bricks allowed in the pillows — that's fine. Pillow fighters must practice good sportsmanship — that's also fine. Here's what I have a problem with — ‘Female pillow fighters only. No exceptions'. What year are we living in, where this sort of sexual discrimination is condoned? What will they take away next, my right to choose not to vote?”
Back in 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first player to break Major League Baseball's colour barrier. Ress, an aspiring pillow fighter himself, hopes to break the PFL's genital barrier.
“I have a dream,” proclaimed Ress. “A dream that I dreamt while my head was resting comfortably on a pillow, appropriately enough. “I dream of a world in which men will be allowed to pummel women with pillows, in an attempt to garner either a pinfall, submission or a ref stoppage. Only then will us men be free at last, free at last, thank God almighty free at last!”
Added Ress, “Sure, men may dominate professional baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer, boxing, race car driving, mixed martial arts, fishing, billiards, poker and arm wrestling, but damn it, if we aren't allowed to take part in pillow fighting, that's just like telling us that we should remain barefoot in the kitchen!”
Due to his efforts, Ress has been dubbed a “masculinist.” Just as women in the 1960s burned their bras in order to promote equality, sources say that Ress burned his underwear recently in support of this cause. Ress denies this, admitting to burning the underwear, but explaining that it was just part of an ironing mishap.
When asked how he thinks he would fare against some of the Pillow Fight League's finest, such as Carmen Monoxide and PFL champion Boozy Suzy, Ress seemed confident about not just winning, but doing so in short order.
“I'd have no problem getting physical with these women. I don't like to brag, but when it comes to me getting physical with women, it never lasts longer than thirty seconds,” proudly stated Ress.
Until the PFL changes their policy, Ress will not be supporting them by attending their events. In fact, he has been holding protests to discourage others from attending.
This past Monday, when tickets went on sale at the Biz Booth for the very reasonable price of $8 for students and $10 for guests, Ress and a small group of students were close by holding up signs, and chanting “hell no, we will not pillow!”
Ress also plans to begin his own fighting league, the Cushion Combat Federation in order to show the PFL the error of their ways.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
“Just check out the PFL rulebook,” suggested Ress. “No bricks allowed in the pillows — that's fine. Pillow fighters must practice good sportsmanship — that's also fine. Here's what I have a problem with — ‘Female pillow fighters only. No exceptions'. What year are we living in, where this sort of sexual discrimination is condoned? What will they take away next, my right to choose not to vote?”
Back in 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first player to break Major League Baseball's colour barrier. Ress, an aspiring pillow fighter himself, hopes to break the PFL's genital barrier.
“I have a dream,” proclaimed Ress. “A dream that I dreamt while my head was resting comfortably on a pillow, appropriately enough. “I dream of a world in which men will be allowed to pummel women with pillows, in an attempt to garner either a pinfall, submission or a ref stoppage. Only then will us men be free at last, free at last, thank God almighty free at last!”
Added Ress, “Sure, men may dominate professional baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer, boxing, race car driving, mixed martial arts, fishing, billiards, poker and arm wrestling, but damn it, if we aren't allowed to take part in pillow fighting, that's just like telling us that we should remain barefoot in the kitchen!”
Due to his efforts, Ress has been dubbed a “masculinist.” Just as women in the 1960s burned their bras in order to promote equality, sources say that Ress burned his underwear recently in support of this cause. Ress denies this, admitting to burning the underwear, but explaining that it was just part of an ironing mishap.
When asked how he thinks he would fare against some of the Pillow Fight League's finest, such as Carmen Monoxide and PFL champion Boozy Suzy, Ress seemed confident about not just winning, but doing so in short order.
“I'd have no problem getting physical with these women. I don't like to brag, but when it comes to me getting physical with women, it never lasts longer than thirty seconds,” proudly stated Ress.
Until the PFL changes their policy, Ress will not be supporting them by attending their events. In fact, he has been holding protests to discourage others from attending.
This past Monday, when tickets went on sale at the Biz Booth for the very reasonable price of $8 for students and $10 for guests, Ress and a small group of students were close by holding up signs, and chanting “hell no, we will not pillow!”
Ress also plans to begin his own fighting league, the Cushion Combat Federation in order to show the PFL the error of their ways.
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
