Employment stats show elves are coming up short
Year after year, Santa's elves have assisted the big fellow by producing quality lead free toys for children around the world. The diminutive, and often pointy-eared little helpers have long been known for their impeccable work effort, and good nature.
Times have changed however. A new breed of elf, the sexy elf, has emerged. Hundreds of Santa's loyal workers have found themselves waiting in the unemployment line this Christmas season.
“It's a travesty,” said former Santa employee Blinky. “I worked my little fingers to the bone for 189 years for that man, and what does he do? He replaces me with some tart in a short skirt who couldn't even assemble a hula hoop!”
According to the latest figures released by the Imaginary Employment Index, the unemployment rate for traditional Santa's elves has risen by at least seven per cent each year for the past five years. Meanwhile, the rate of demand for sexy lady elves is rising much faster than the available supply.
AWJ Group, the newly hired marketing firm that represents Santa, was quick to defend the new business model for operations at the North Pole.
“Studies have shown that people are no longer comfortable with the tiny, pointy eared brand of elf,” said marketer Warren Peace. “Our client Santa is no different from Ford or Sony, in that he has decided to go with a sleeker, sexier model.”
“It's not like all of the older elves are being laid off,” continued Peace. “There will still be quite a few of them working at the toy assembly line. Assembling toys is not really the forté of these sexy elves. The ladies will handle things like mall appearances, parades and commercials. Also they will be delivering the toys. We have found that they don't scare the children, and fathers seem to like them. But rest assured, the little ones are good workers, and they will not be phased out entirely. Only hidden, and given pay cuts.”
That is certainly no consolation for Lollipop, who is about to embark on his 200th season working for Santa.
“I'm looking for other work”, admitted Lollipop. “There may be an opening within the Keebler company. Santa better give me one hell of a reference after 200 freakin' years!”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
Times have changed however. A new breed of elf, the sexy elf, has emerged. Hundreds of Santa's loyal workers have found themselves waiting in the unemployment line this Christmas season.
“It's a travesty,” said former Santa employee Blinky. “I worked my little fingers to the bone for 189 years for that man, and what does he do? He replaces me with some tart in a short skirt who couldn't even assemble a hula hoop!”
According to the latest figures released by the Imaginary Employment Index, the unemployment rate for traditional Santa's elves has risen by at least seven per cent each year for the past five years. Meanwhile, the rate of demand for sexy lady elves is rising much faster than the available supply.
AWJ Group, the newly hired marketing firm that represents Santa, was quick to defend the new business model for operations at the North Pole.
“Studies have shown that people are no longer comfortable with the tiny, pointy eared brand of elf,” said marketer Warren Peace. “Our client Santa is no different from Ford or Sony, in that he has decided to go with a sleeker, sexier model.”
“It's not like all of the older elves are being laid off,” continued Peace. “There will still be quite a few of them working at the toy assembly line. Assembling toys is not really the forté of these sexy elves. The ladies will handle things like mall appearances, parades and commercials. Also they will be delivering the toys. We have found that they don't scare the children, and fathers seem to like them. But rest assured, the little ones are good workers, and they will not be phased out entirely. Only hidden, and given pay cuts.”
That is certainly no consolation for Lollipop, who is about to embark on his 200th season working for Santa.
“I'm looking for other work”, admitted Lollipop. “There may be an opening within the Keebler company. Santa better give me one hell of a reference after 200 freakin' years!”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is intentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
