Gladiators set to joust with Congress
For better or for worse, gambling and sports have always been tied together. This has created many headaches for professional sports leagues.
The “Black Sox” and Pete Rose's betting scandals rocked Major League Baseball. In recent years both the NHL (through Rick Tocchet) and NBA (through official Tim Donaghy) have also had to deal with gambling woes. So perhaps it was just a matter of time before America's fastest growing sport went through the same pains.
American Gladiators, the newly revived program that airs Monday nights on NBC and City TV now must deal with their own gambling issue.
Wolf and Hellga, two of the more popular gladiators, have been accused of taking part in an elaborate points shaving scheme that has allegedly seen each of them earn millions during the first several weeks of competition.
The 6-foot-4, 230-pound Wolf is known for his trademark wolf howl. According to his bio, he claims to thrive on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge. Recent allegations however suggest that Wolf is more than happy to back away from a challenge if it means fattening his bank account.
Congressman Lance Calloway, from the state of California, believes that he witnessed both Wolf and Hellga going easy on challengers during the initial episodes of American Gladiators. Calloway contends that not only did Wolf and Hella allow competitors to gain points by hanging on until the time limit expired, but in some cases competitors were even allowed to defeat the more experienced and muscular gladiators.
“I have videotape evidence that shows Wolf stopping to let out a howl, in the midst of competition,” stated Calloway. “If Mr. Wolf were sincerely trying top stop these challengers, I would think that he would be concentrating more on tackling them, and less on showmanship.”
“Furthermore, are we to believe that Hellga, a 6-foot-1, 205-pound brute could ever be overpowered by a mere soccer mom?,” asked Calloway. “Have you seen Hellga's hips? They are ideal for both child bearing and preventing opponents from achieving the full 10-points by making their way through The Gauntlet. Clearly both Hellga and Wolf are benefiting from being part of an extensive gambling ring, requiring them to put their competitive instincts aside in order to cash in.”
Calloway plans to call both Hellga and Wolf to speak before Congress in the near future. He has also requested original American Gladiators cast members Nitro and Zap also be present to act as expert witnesses. While the odds may be stacked against Hellga and Wolf, they will have a prominent witness of their own as backup.
“Let me tell ya something brother,” proclaimed American Gladiators host Hulk Hogan. “These allegations are false, brother. I've seen Wolf and Hellga backstage, saying their prayers and eating their vitamins. Nobody can tell me, brother, that the dude and dudette haven't given it their all on the battlefield. I'll tag team with either one of them to take on the whole Supreme Court, brother!”
Hogan stated that he is more than willing to testify on behalf of Wolf and Hellga.
“Oh yeah, I'm sure Congress has a few questions for me. But I only have one question for Congress. And that question is What'cha gonna do? That's right, Congress, what'cha gonna do, when Hulk Hogan, Wolf, Hellga, Reveille Productions, the National Broadcasting Corporation, it's parent company General Electric and the law firm of Hachen, Schmidt and Young run wild on you?!?!”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
The “Black Sox” and Pete Rose's betting scandals rocked Major League Baseball. In recent years both the NHL (through Rick Tocchet) and NBA (through official Tim Donaghy) have also had to deal with gambling woes. So perhaps it was just a matter of time before America's fastest growing sport went through the same pains.
American Gladiators, the newly revived program that airs Monday nights on NBC and City TV now must deal with their own gambling issue.
Wolf and Hellga, two of the more popular gladiators, have been accused of taking part in an elaborate points shaving scheme that has allegedly seen each of them earn millions during the first several weeks of competition.
The 6-foot-4, 230-pound Wolf is known for his trademark wolf howl. According to his bio, he claims to thrive on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge. Recent allegations however suggest that Wolf is more than happy to back away from a challenge if it means fattening his bank account.
Congressman Lance Calloway, from the state of California, believes that he witnessed both Wolf and Hellga going easy on challengers during the initial episodes of American Gladiators. Calloway contends that not only did Wolf and Hella allow competitors to gain points by hanging on until the time limit expired, but in some cases competitors were even allowed to defeat the more experienced and muscular gladiators.
“I have videotape evidence that shows Wolf stopping to let out a howl, in the midst of competition,” stated Calloway. “If Mr. Wolf were sincerely trying top stop these challengers, I would think that he would be concentrating more on tackling them, and less on showmanship.”
“Furthermore, are we to believe that Hellga, a 6-foot-1, 205-pound brute could ever be overpowered by a mere soccer mom?,” asked Calloway. “Have you seen Hellga's hips? They are ideal for both child bearing and preventing opponents from achieving the full 10-points by making their way through The Gauntlet. Clearly both Hellga and Wolf are benefiting from being part of an extensive gambling ring, requiring them to put their competitive instincts aside in order to cash in.”
Calloway plans to call both Hellga and Wolf to speak before Congress in the near future. He has also requested original American Gladiators cast members Nitro and Zap also be present to act as expert witnesses. While the odds may be stacked against Hellga and Wolf, they will have a prominent witness of their own as backup.
“Let me tell ya something brother,” proclaimed American Gladiators host Hulk Hogan. “These allegations are false, brother. I've seen Wolf and Hellga backstage, saying their prayers and eating their vitamins. Nobody can tell me, brother, that the dude and dudette haven't given it their all on the battlefield. I'll tag team with either one of them to take on the whole Supreme Court, brother!”
Hogan stated that he is more than willing to testify on behalf of Wolf and Hellga.
“Oh yeah, I'm sure Congress has a few questions for me. But I only have one question for Congress. And that question is What'cha gonna do? That's right, Congress, what'cha gonna do, when Hulk Hogan, Wolf, Hellga, Reveille Productions, the National Broadcasting Corporation, it's parent company General Electric and the law firm of Hachen, Schmidt and Young run wild on you?!?!”
Disclaimer: Stories printed in the Fanshawe Distorter are in fact fictious. Any resemblance to persons real or dead is unintentional and entirely hilarious. Proudly distorting the truth since 2005.
