Children across the world all came under fire when a leading academic revealed his latest and most controversial theory about them: They stink like dung.

“Children can often be seen running around,” explained Professor Everett Montaghue, of Canadian University's spurious research facility.

“This inevitably leads to the children becoming quite sweaty,” he continued, “and they play and run through smelly things as well.”

Reaction to the professor's ideas have so far been mixed, with several of his critics pointing out that Professor Montague has never had a child, nor even copulated with a woman, leading to the potential of becoming a parent.

A leading spokesman for the Japanese tourist board, however, Mr. Osaka P'Tayto agreed with the new theory, telling us “Children in many parts of this world have been found to smell quite strongly. They should be gently culled.”

But Benjii Krust, 12, a spokeskid for children, denied this.

“It's the old people that stink, like,” he insisted. “With their colostomy bags and smelly bums and all that.”

But Montaghue insists that children across the world lack proper hygiene and grooming to eradicate the odours that pour from their glands.

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