Cinema Connoisseur: Ho, Ho, Hogan!
If someone were to ask me who my role model is, I would have a heck of a time choosing between Hulk Hogan, and Jesus. So you can imagine how excited I was when I first heard that one of them was starring in a movie about the holiday that celebrates the other's birth.
In Santa With Muscles, Hogan
plays Blake Thorne, a rich and
incredibly selfish bodybuilder,
who lives with a slew of servants.
He often has them recite his strict
set of rules that include gems such
as “never lend a hand as you may
need it later.” Then he beats them
into a pulp.
Things take a dramatic turn for
Blake after he is involved in a
high-speed chase with the police
(and no, Hogan's son Nick was not
behind the wheel). Blake attempts
to escape by dressing up as Santa
Claus. However, after suffering a
hit on the head, Blake awakes
believing he is in fact Jolly Old
Saint Nick.
That is good news for a group of
orphans, who are about to be made
homeless by a real piece of work
named Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr.).
Thorne learns some real life lessons
from the youngsters, one of
who is portrayed by a pre-pubescent
Mila Kunis (“That 70s Show,”
Forgetting Sarah Marshall). In
return for these lessons, Thorne
a.k.a. Santa lays the smack down
on Frost's gang of hapless thugs. I
don't want to give away too much
of the story, but rest assured, there
are some awfully happy orphans
by the end.
If I had one negative thing to say
about this film (besides the fact
that it needed to be at least two
hours longer), I would say that it
was a little unsettling seeing
Hogan wearing a toupee. Hogan
has been bald since the day he was
born (it's true, look it up). Seeing
Hulk with a full head of hair was
akin to seeing Superman without a
cape, perhaps even wearing glasses,
if you could imagine such a
thing.
Mr. Hogan, you have given us so
much over the years, and I hope
you have a very happy holiday season.
I hope your upcoming return
to the wrestling ring at age 56
proves to be both financially and
personally rewarding, and without
injury - stay away from those back
flips off the top rope. I hope your
children remain free from incarceration
and recording contracts over
the next year. I hope your ex-wife
remains satisfied with the ten
motor vehicles she received from
you, and her tens of thousands of
dollars in monthly alimony payments,
and does not seek custody
of your moustache. Most of all, I
hope that the wrestling, the reality
shows and the family problems
don't deter you from returning to
the silver screen. Christmas 2009
may not even be here yet, but I've
already started my Christmas 2010
list. Item number one on that list —
a sequel to Santa With Muscles! I
want to see Santa on Human
Growth Hormones sooner rather
than later.