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Cinema Connoisseur: Santa's Slay spreads yuletide fear

Allen Gaynor | Interrobang | Lifestyles | December 4th, 2006

Santa's Slay (2005)

Move over Miracle on 34th Street. Step aside It's a Wonderful Life. See you later Ernest Saves Christmas. There's a new film that can claim the title of the greatest Christmas movie of all time, and that movie is Santa's Slay.

Santa's Slay begins innocently enough, with a family sitting around a table, eating Christmas dinner. Not just any family, but a family portrayed by some of Hollywood's elite. There's Chris Kattan (“Saturday Night Live”), Fran Drescher (“The Nanny”), Rebecca Gayheart (the Noxzema girl from the late 90s) and legendary actor James Caan (The Godfather).

Wait a second, James Caan? I'm going to have to watch this again right now to make sure that was really him. I'll be right back.

Well that was definitely James Caan. And why wouldn't it be? Anyways, Caan and company don't last long in this film. Less than five minutes in, the entire crew is brutally murdered — by Santa Claus, no less! It all makes sense now.

You see there is a reason you didn't receive the Easy-Bake Oven, or Chuck Norris Karate Kommando action figure you asked for that one Christmas. It's because Santa is a no good S.O.B! Don't believe me? Well, keep reading.

The film explains that Santa is actually the son of Satan. Many, many years ago, an angel challenged Santa to a curling match, with the stipulation that if the angel won, Santa would have to spend the next 1000 years spreading joy. The angel won the match, so Santa was forced to deliver presents, be nice to people, and overall just go against his nature for the next millennium. That time has past. Santa is out for revenge against that angel, and any other poor souls that stand in his way.

Santa travels to a small town called Hell (coincidentally enough) in search of the angel. Two youngsters in particular face the brunt of Santa's attack. One is the grandson of the angel, and the other is his girlfriend, who is played by Emilie de Raven (Claire from the hit TV series “Lost”). While in town, Santa is also responsible for the following acts:

- Kicking a dog into a ceiling fan
- Drowning a woman in eggnog
- Punching a minister
- Running over an elderly man with a reindeer
- Killing a strip club patron with a stripper pole (but only after wiping it down before touching it)

While this may sound like a dark and disturbing film, all of Santa's dastardly deeds are done with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Including the part where he stabs someone in the eye with a candy cane.

Former NFL player and professional wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg is an absolute revelation as Santa Claus. Some might think that a 280 pound wrestler, who also happens to be Jewish, would not be an ideal choice to portray the embodiment of Christmas. Well, I believe it was the great philosopher Bart Simpson who stated, “Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ”.

Goldberg's deliciously over the top performance has catapulted him to the upper echelon of pro wrestlers who have conquered the silver screen. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Meryl “The Angel of Death” Streep, you all now have company up at the top.

Santa's Slay is a true hidden gem that is ideal yuletide viewing for children and adults alike, as long as the children aren't offended by the coarse language, brutal violence and brief nudity. If they are, make them watch it anyways. It'll make them stronger. Merry Christmas everybody!
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