Cinema Connoisseur: 1960s beach flick is all wet
Dear Mr. Musicworld,
It was with great sorrow that I learned of the financial troubles you were having, which led to the closing of your many locations. I was a frequent customer of yours, spending upwards of $125 in your stores over the past decade - you might even say I was single-handedly keeping you in business.
Anyways, I should get onto the reason I am writing you this letter. I was in one of your London locations in late November, and I purchased a film called The Fat Spy for the sum of one dollar. I was quite pleased to receive such a deal at the time, as the sticker on it said $1.99.
Now I'm sure you don't have time to personally watch every movie you sell, so I'll get you up to speed on The Fat Spy. The film was released in 1966, and stars legendary comedienne Phyllis Diller, and silver screen siren Jayne Mansfield. “It's a killer...a Diller...a blast of laffs,” the box art proclaimed. Spelling errors aside, I was instantly sold.
In The Fat Spy, the owner of a private island becomes quite concerned when a group of teenagers arrives. The teens say they are there on a weekend treasure hunt, but seem to constantly get sidetracked by playing guitars on the beach, dancing around seductively, and necking with mermaids.
The owner of the island is concerned because this location is believed to contain the fountain of youth. So he sends his daughter Junior (Jayne Mansfield) to meet up with Irving, her love interest and the island's only resident. Irving manages to fool the teenagers into allowing him into their circle based on the assumption that he is just a fun loving youngster. The attached photo of Irving (the nincompoop wearing the Fink University shirt) shows that these teens will never be mistaken for Doogie Howser.
As you are aware Mr. Musicworld, Jayne Mansfield was a huge star in the 1950s, drawing favourable comparisons to Marilyn Monroe. According to wikipedia.com, by the time the 1960s came around, her career was suffering, as the demand for blonde bombshells was in decline. That gives me the mental image of a bunch of large breasted blonde actresses out on the street, holding up signs that read, “Will bombshell for food.” That image is far more amusing than anything in The Fat Spy. This film was released in 1966. Mansfield died in an auto accident in 1967. I'm not sure which of those two events did more damage to her career.
Also on the island, and looking for the fountain of youth is Irving's twin brother Herman, and his sweetheart Camille Salamander (Phyllis Diller). Diller may well be the most successful female comedienne ever, still making public appearances to this day despite passing away 15 years ago (no one has the heart to tell her). That being said, she never did show the same skill for acting that other stand ups turned movie stars like Dane Cook and Carrot Top have exhibited.
I'll just come out and say it Mr. Musicworld - I want my money back. As I have illustrated above, I was a very good customer of yours. Me spending that dollar, plus tax, during your going out of business sale was like visiting a friend on his deathbed. Selling me The Fat Spy was akin to that dying friend lifting up his hospital gown and urinating on my shoes.
Now I don't usually enjoy kicking a man when he's down - well, except for that one time in Mexico. But I am going to have to take my metaphorically urinated on shoes and kick you by asking for my money back.
Please understand that I could also ask you to compensate me for the time it took to get through the film - nearly one hour and 20 minutes, a good portion of which I was actually awake for.
I don't ask for much in my films Mr. Musicworld - a skateboarding monkey here, an evil clown there. Of the thousands of films I have reviewed over the years, I only disliked two of them - The Shawshank Redemption and Citizen Kane. Well, The Fat Spy now has the dubious distinction of being named amongst those two films. Mr. Musicworld, please send my $1.14 to 1001 College Blvd, P.O. Box 7005 London. Ontario N5Y 5R6 Attention: Cinema Connoisseur.
It was with great sorrow that I learned of the financial troubles you were having, which led to the closing of your many locations. I was a frequent customer of yours, spending upwards of $125 in your stores over the past decade - you might even say I was single-handedly keeping you in business.
Anyways, I should get onto the reason I am writing you this letter. I was in one of your London locations in late November, and I purchased a film called The Fat Spy for the sum of one dollar. I was quite pleased to receive such a deal at the time, as the sticker on it said $1.99.
Now I'm sure you don't have time to personally watch every movie you sell, so I'll get you up to speed on The Fat Spy. The film was released in 1966, and stars legendary comedienne Phyllis Diller, and silver screen siren Jayne Mansfield. “It's a killer...a Diller...a blast of laffs,” the box art proclaimed. Spelling errors aside, I was instantly sold.
In The Fat Spy, the owner of a private island becomes quite concerned when a group of teenagers arrives. The teens say they are there on a weekend treasure hunt, but seem to constantly get sidetracked by playing guitars on the beach, dancing around seductively, and necking with mermaids.
The owner of the island is concerned because this location is believed to contain the fountain of youth. So he sends his daughter Junior (Jayne Mansfield) to meet up with Irving, her love interest and the island's only resident. Irving manages to fool the teenagers into allowing him into their circle based on the assumption that he is just a fun loving youngster. The attached photo of Irving (the nincompoop wearing the Fink University shirt) shows that these teens will never be mistaken for Doogie Howser.
As you are aware Mr. Musicworld, Jayne Mansfield was a huge star in the 1950s, drawing favourable comparisons to Marilyn Monroe. According to wikipedia.com, by the time the 1960s came around, her career was suffering, as the demand for blonde bombshells was in decline. That gives me the mental image of a bunch of large breasted blonde actresses out on the street, holding up signs that read, “Will bombshell for food.” That image is far more amusing than anything in The Fat Spy. This film was released in 1966. Mansfield died in an auto accident in 1967. I'm not sure which of those two events did more damage to her career.
Also on the island, and looking for the fountain of youth is Irving's twin brother Herman, and his sweetheart Camille Salamander (Phyllis Diller). Diller may well be the most successful female comedienne ever, still making public appearances to this day despite passing away 15 years ago (no one has the heart to tell her). That being said, she never did show the same skill for acting that other stand ups turned movie stars like Dane Cook and Carrot Top have exhibited.
I'll just come out and say it Mr. Musicworld - I want my money back. As I have illustrated above, I was a very good customer of yours. Me spending that dollar, plus tax, during your going out of business sale was like visiting a friend on his deathbed. Selling me The Fat Spy was akin to that dying friend lifting up his hospital gown and urinating on my shoes.
Now I don't usually enjoy kicking a man when he's down - well, except for that one time in Mexico. But I am going to have to take my metaphorically urinated on shoes and kick you by asking for my money back.
Please understand that I could also ask you to compensate me for the time it took to get through the film - nearly one hour and 20 minutes, a good portion of which I was actually awake for.
I don't ask for much in my films Mr. Musicworld - a skateboarding monkey here, an evil clown there. Of the thousands of films I have reviewed over the years, I only disliked two of them - The Shawshank Redemption and Citizen Kane. Well, The Fat Spy now has the dubious distinction of being named amongst those two films. Mr. Musicworld, please send my $1.14 to 1001 College Blvd, P.O. Box 7005 London. Ontario N5Y 5R6 Attention: Cinema Connoisseur.
