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TV lies: body sprays don't work

Peter W | Interrobang | Lifestyles | April 3rd, 2006

So, I was in the local drug store the other day picking up some deodorant and there it was on the shelf: Axe body spray. I thought about the commercials that showed these guys having the chicks jump all over them, leading to scoring, from what I assume. How does a spray have the same effect as some male musk and pheromones? So I decided to do what the guy in the commercial does, and spray it on myself in the store.

I walked up and down the aisle with a hefty amount of it on. There were some girls in the aisle and I stood behind them waiting them to tackle me. I really didn't notice that they were choosing tampons, but I think they thought I was a perve. I quickly tried to make it apparent that they were supposed to smell me so I said, “Tampons, huh? Well, something smells good in here, ladies and here's a clue: it's not you two.”

I immediately fell to the floor after a good swift kick in the nads. How could this happen? Has TV lied to me? I knew that this couldn't be the case — maybe those two girls had lost their sense of smell, so I decided to try again. I sprayed almost all that was left of the container (I had yet to pay for) all over me.

Soon, I had some ladies running after me…but they weren't hot and I soon found out they weren't really after my delightful smell. It turns out that people with perfume allergies in the store started having reactions and I was getting yelled at for leaving a cloud of body spray in the aisle. I was asked to leave immediately and never set foot back in the store again.

Fair enough. I caused some people to have major allergic reactions. I can understand the animosity of the staff. I thought that while I had the body spray on and I was outside, I still may have a chance to see the scented magic that the commercials have promised me. I stood outside the drug store for a bit to see if any lady would take a whiff and offer to take me home. After about half an hour, there were no takers. I decided to use some dialog. “Wanna smell me?” I would say to every attractive (and after 10 minutes) and not-so-attractive females that went through the doors.

Sirens were heard about 45 minutes into my experiment and the police had arrived to escort me off the premises. Thank goodness one of them was a female police officer, because I figured if I was wearing the knee-buckling body spray, I was sure to serve some “hard time” with her. I turned to her and said, “Smell me and I'm sure it'll be you wearing the handcuffs in 20 minutes.”

I am now recovering from some serious bruises and a broken jaw. My nads still hurt from the incident in the drugstore. What have I done to deserve such a false promise? I didn't know that TV lied. I didn't know that stations would air commercials that didn't fulfill their promise! I have decided that before I take the next challenge of wearing this stuff out to a bar, I'm going to forward my story to the makers of Axe body spray and see what their response is. Stay tuned for the response as well and my next experiment with “sex in a can.”

Think Pete smells great? Email him at
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